What is Your Language?
“Cards on the table, we are both showing hearts”… guess where that line is from?
One day I was out for a happy hour with coworkers and some of their spouses. I was excited that someone among us could speak French because the opportunity to speak French doesn't happen often. I’m originally from Cameroon a bilingual country (for those who may not know) and I grew up speaking both English and French so I take on the slightest opportunity to speak or write in French because I find that I’m slowly losing the ability to fluently communicate in French. As the saying goes; if you don’t use it (whatever ‘it’ may be), you lose it, just like a muscle.
So while I was enjoying my conversation in French, a coworker’s spouse approached me and asked; “what is your language?” I said; do you mean the language I was speaking before you interrupted or my primary/first language? He said; “what language do you identify with?” I said; English primarily, followed by French. He said: Nope those are not your languages; those are your country of origin’s national language. I laughed and said; well your question was not specific enough, if you are asking about my native language, then I can argue that it is my parent’s native language and they got it from their parents and so on and so forth…
Why am I sharing this story? Well, it is to shed light on how individual perspectives/understanding differ and how being a little more specific could facilitate communication. Also, it is a connection to sharing my perspective about another type of language which in my opinion is interpreted differently by different people and could be complicated to explain and or express. It so happens that we are in the month of February which is commercialized with gifts of chocolates, cards, flowers and all that is involved with loving others a little more publicly or expressing more love or expressing it differently compared to the rest of the year… nothing wrong with that!
What is your primary Love Language? This leads me to the book titled; The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Before delving into my perspective on the book, I have a question; would you say love is a feeling or a choice? I would like to read your thoughts on your answer and why. The few people I’ve had the chance to have this conversation with tend to pick a side without articulating why? There’s no right or wrong answer, it is based on individual experiences/perspectives. I’ll share my thoughts as I read those shared.
Switching gears a little bit; a topic I'd like to have a conversation about is unconditional love. In my humble opinion, only God’s love for us (humans) is unconditional, followed by the love from parents to their children which could sometimes feel like it is conditional depending on how the love is given versus how it is received and if love is viewed as a choice or a feeling or if it is relative based on the type of relationship/connection. I feel that human love for each other is it in a family setting or romantic or platonic relationship is somewhat conditional. Permit me to explain before we get all wired-up! I know that 1 Cor 13: 4-8 in the Bible reads Love is patient, love is kind… etc and I totally agree with what love is or should be according to that.
Now let me flip the script; as humans would we always love those who are not honest with us? Assuming love is too deep a word to use, let us use ‘like’. Are we going to like someone who disrespects us and or who doesn’t reciprocate our efforts? Our goal could be to strive to love unconditionally but recognizing and admitting that human love/like for each other is more conditional than unconditional is the first step in the journey. I once came across something along the lines of, if you can honestly replace someone’s name in the place of Love is… for example; Person A is Kind, Person A is patient…etc then you’ve found a true/real one.
Keeping in mind that no one is perfect and may not be able to fulfill all that love entails based on those verses. Also be reminded not to take them for granted because as humans we are flawed and can only tolerate so much. Also, be reminded that we are called to do unto others as we would have done unto us. Pretty much treat others the way we would like to be treated. If we can't swallow the medicine we dispense to others then it will help to rethink our thoughts/actions. Think for a second; if someone had to give us a taste of our medicine, how would we feel?
Another side to this love coin is that it tends to come with expectations, hence conditional I would say. Love and fear are said to be the only two real emotions, everything else comes from it. Saying “I love you” with the underlying expectation that the other person will say “I love you too” is conditional love in my opinion and could have been said out of fear of it not being reciprocated. Our pain comes from having rigid expectations of how love should be. We can only truly love others if we truly love ourselves. Certain expectations lead to attachment/holding on as a result of fear and when certain conditions aren’t met, resentment sets in. Can we love without expectations/conditions? oh, by the way, this isn’t about telling you how to love or not to love, it is about recognizing the pattern/cycle we spin in because we can only improve on something if we acknowledge it for what it is. This is not to say we shouldn’t have expectations and or standards, we should, however, be open to realizing that sometimes some expectations may result in attachment/holding onto something that isn’t there and may lead to resentment.
Prior to Aug 2015, I used to send text messages expecting a response within a certain time frame especially since WhatsApp has that double blue checkmark indicating that the person has received/seen your message. I deactivated that feature; as such my last seen online is deactivated, I can't know who views my WhatsApp statuses and others can't know whether I've seen their statuses. People interpret deactivating that feature as being secretive. We are all entitled to our opinions/thoughts of why people do what they do. I, however, did that to free myself of certain expectations; one of which was expecting a response to a text just because the double-check marks turned blue, or just because someone was last seen online at a certain time means they should have responded to my message or posting something on WhatsApp status expecting that a particular person will see it before the 24hrs elapse.
I used to expect that people would render me a favor because I rendered them a favor. I had a mental shift which now translates to; I do what I do because I can, because I am able to and because I want to. Not necessarily with the expectation that they will do the same for me nor because I “have to.” No worries about being taken for granted or taken advantage of because the favors are done out of ‘want to’ not ‘need to’ nor ‘have to’ and I believe that when you do good deeds, it is returned to you in other aspects least expected and not necessarily by those you rendered the good deed to.
So herewith a few things I have learned about this thing called love from my experience thus far and from reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and bits and pieces from other books/articles I can’t quite pinpoint at this moment. The five love languages for those who aren’t familiar with them are; receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch. Learning about our primary and secondary love languages as well as those of our significant others, siblings and friends help facilitate communication. How would it facilitate communication? Take, for example, I won’t respond to each love language the same way that I would respond to my primary love language and as such, the person portraying it may feel unappreciated and that could create a ripple effect.
We tend to live by and express our primary love language the most. My primary love language is acts of service. I love the efforts people put into being of service to others. It doesn't have to be something grand; something as simple as holding the door for the person behind me, volunteering, helping someone carry their groceries, and helping someone out with chores. Some of the most simple acts of service that warm my heart are; handing me a throw/blanket when I’m sitting on the couch or me waking-up to being covered after falling asleep on the couch. Another would be a made-up bed, a homemade meal or a simple cup of herbal tea. Also, getting a ride especially to an area I don't like driving to, someone helping me parallel park my car because I don’t like doing it. Adding to the list would be having deep thought-provoking conversations which I see as service of time and act of the mind/brain but could potentially fall under the love language of quality time (aka QTs… hehe) which happens to be my secondary love language. I love sharing time and space with people who intrigue me. I love the experience of time shared. #momentsshared
I learned from reading this book that people can only love you the best way they know how to. Not understanding another person's primary way of receiving love which is their love language can lead to misunderstanding and unnecessary conflict. For example, I can't expect someone whose primary love language is receiving gifts to love me in an act of service way. Me loving someone in an act of service way and they not reciprocating it the way that I want could lead to feeling unappreciated. But if I understand their love language and they understand mine, it clears out some of the miscommunication/misunderstandings which could build-up over time and lead to conflict.
Do you know your primary and secondary love language? If not I’d suggest you find out as well as that of your partner/significant other, close family members, close friends or better still, read the book for more in-depth knowledge on how to put love into practice/action. Then thank you for making that effort to communicate better. Link to an online love language quiz https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
There happens to have been a guest on Sitmpod; Netty and D who shared their experience mentioning the love languages. Link.
Composed By: Manekeu N Ndoping