What Do You Say When…?
"I decided to share this with you because I know you wouldn't judge me for it…"
September is suicide prevention awareness month...
It felt so promising, the start of a new decade. The #2020Visionboard events that took place at the beginning of the year allowing us to envision better, thoughts of daring greatly, plans of stepping out of our comfort zone, exploring new territories, and or growing/expanding our horizon... We are in the last quarter of the year; it feels like we have been battling one thing after another since 'the ball dropped,' be it individually from the loss of a loved one to a worldwide pandemic that has completely changed our view of life and living. It’s almost like we were halted in our tracks. Not to talk of politics and racism…
I can’t put to words the rollercoaster of emotions I have been through between January and now. From watching a barely two-year-old girl child being laid to rest in January, then Kobe Bryant, followed by a series of heart-wrenching moments some of which are mentioned in my previous blog post. In addition to deaths from relatives, friends, and or their loved ones, coworkers, those I’ve worked with, and or were working with.
Have you had moments where the words, my sympathy, my condolence, Rest in Peace … etc were too hard for you to say or type? Moments where you felt numb, speechless? Moments when you said ‘not again,’ or you couldn’t explain the emotions/feelings brewing within from hearing about another death or any unexpected news? What do you say when...?
I work in a Skilled Nursing Facility (SNF) aka Nursing Home and I have been there for a little over four years. I have known and worked with most if not all of the long term residents. The geriatric population was my first choice out of grad school primarily because it reminded me of growing up with my grandparents. Watching them wanting to maintain some level of independence even as their body and mind slowly went through the aging process is what drew me to work in that setting with the aim to facilitate independence as much as possible.
On the onset of the Covid-19 outbreak, changes were put in place in an attempt to decrease the spread and preserve health and life. It has been heart pausing to overhear comments like “I just need someone to talk to,” when walking down the hallway. Then you contemplate going to have a brief conversation because you aren’t scheduled to work with them and productivity scores are ringing at the back of your mind but you can’t just walk by like you didn’t hear that. Sometimes the conversation has you wondering; what do you say... to make them feel better, but it sometimes ends up being that all they really wanted was someone to stop by and hear them out.
When I changed my major from pre-pharmacy to psychology in undergrad, the goal was not to pursue a career in counseling psychology even though that’s what people thought. I went on to pursue a Masters in Occupational Therapy (background story) and I still get asked if I’ve considered a career path in counseling and the answer is nope! Part of being an Occupational Therapist occasionally requires me to put on a ‘counseling’ hat but not always as in the case of those who solely provide counseling services. I do love the mind/brain; in undergrad, I had fantasized becoming a brain surgeon thanks to Derek Shepherd in Grey’s Anatomy but the thought of cutting open the skull let alone when they are awake which is the case in certain brain surgeries, I decided I’ll do just fine interacting with the mind/brain externally. Preventive health and health management later became an area of interest in 2018, it has been a journey of discovery which still encompasses mental wellness (a passion of mine).
I've had a number of people share personal stories about themselves with me and they usually use this statement or some variation of it… "I decided to share this with you because I know you wouldn't judge me for it…" I’ve been told too many times to count dating back to 2016. More frequently this year than the past years combined from both men and women, some older than me. Sometimes people just want to share something about themselves without being judged, labeled, or put in a box/category. Listening brings me fulfillment because it brings relief to others. Last year I became a certified Mental Health First Aider (CPR in the area of Mental Health) to update my knowledge and skills as well as learn something new in the field of mental wellness. I've learned and continue to learn to listen in a way that makes people willing to share at their comfort level. What people share and the depth of the conversation depends on how ‘safe’ they feel with regards to what they are about to share and the listener’s ability to actively listen; there's a way to tell if someone is actively listening or not. It is a body language thing.
I've come to learn that not everyone knows how to actively listen nor has the ability and or skills, but everyone at the very least can 'hear someone out' depending on the hearer's state of mind/headspace. It is also ok to communicate if your state of mind/headspace doesn't allow you to actively listen to someone or just 'hear them out' rather than act like you are listening but your mind is in a thousand and one different places. I think people would appreciate that honesty upfront rather than 'fake listening'. Hearing someone out doesn't necessarily mean they want advice on how to handle a situation. If they do, they would ask, and even if they don't ask, if we listen actively, we can sense that they may want an opinion. There’s a way to listen for what isn’t being said but is implied. They may not necessarily apply your thoughts/opinions but it will make them feel better that they were heard.
So if someone asks for your opinion and does something otherwise, don't crucify them for it because what they are challenged by may be harder for them to explain in a way that makes sense to you, and maybe they’ve tried your opinion in the past and it didn’t turn out well. Just remember that “everyone is fighting a battle that no one knows about.” Hope that Chadwick Boseman aka T’Challa’s story is an eye-opener for us all. There is always more to what meets the eye and not to judge a book by its cover. Ask open-ended questions to give room for conversation and listen to understand, not to respond.
So, how have you been braving the year thus far despite all that it has been throwing at us? Any self-care strategies (aka coping strategies) that have helped you through to this moment? Anything new that you’ve learned? Sharing is caring, it may help someone out.
For me, I re-read certain books I’ve read before; What I Know For Sure, The Wisdom of Sundays and The Path Made Clear all by Oprah Winfrey. I read new books; No Such Thing as Halfway by Achu ‘Riflex’ Ebong Mba (currently available via his website ), The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer, The Bluest Eye by Tony Morrison, Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi. I’ve been writing as well even though my last blog post was in June. I've been writing mostly for and to myself (not journaling), which is different from writing for others like blogging. I've been doing Zoom workout since April three times per week which has been a lifesaver given that I am a healthcare employee. It has been a ‘coro test’ testing my lung capacity and boosting the immune system; aside from the weekly COVID testing torture we have been mandated to do since July, yes the annoying nasal swabs.
Sometimes music therapy helped and long solo walks in my neighborhood. I've done more hiking this year than I have done combined since I started in September 2015 through last year. I remember when I first shared that I was going hiking back in 2015; oh my, the negative comments that came flying all from those who had never been hiking before. Well, here we are now all basking in the beauty of nature. Watching this unfold taught me that people bash what they don't understand or something they haven’t done or they tried and it didn't work out for them. If it's something you really want to do and it speaks to depths of who or want to be, then figure out how you want to handle all that is being thrown at you and brave it out. At the very least, you’ll learn something/a skill that can be applied in another area of life.
The past months haven’t been all glamorous, there have been days where I lay on the couch for hours not feeling like doing anything unless my bladder or bowel nudged me to move. I haven't had a full-time workweek since April; it's been tethering around 15-20 hours a week or less. I'm still grateful that some cha-chin is coming in. Grateful for the knowledge that helped me save weekly since 2016. Having to put a hold on the weekly savings this past July was a hard pill to swallow. Given that I'm an hourly employee, the drop-in hours meant a drop in income. Initially, I thought of dropping the savings amount and frequency to once a month to see how it goes, but it seemed to cause some anxiety.
Amongst all the other challenges, I'm grateful that I haven't had to dip into my savings thus far, grateful for life, health, family, loved ones, and friends. The drop-in hours at work provided room to explore other areas. That thought of exploring other areas didn't initially happen. With the initial onset of the lockdown, there were days of wallowing even though as an ‘essential employee’ I had an excuse to leave the house to go to work for a couple of hours on some days of the week averaging around three days. I'm grateful for knowledge and resources that sparked and nudged me in other directions such as figuring out how to grow my other passions (IG: nannez_fruitdlight and beyonddabookclub; Personal IG: mz_nanne one piece/post at a time to what I envision it to be in the long run, exploring other avenues/options of improving health and wealth. There are still some occasional moments of not feeling like doing anything but it is less frequent than before.
It’s been that type of a roller coaster… then Chadwick Boseman decided to show us how much of a real-life superhero he has been. I had added a pic he took with Lupita Nyong'o on my vision board in 2018 (my vision board was initially done in 2017) because something about their role in Black Panther spoke to me at a deeper level of inspiration. Even though it was ‘just a movie’ it represented and still represents something significant. Some quotes from him that speak to me personally;
Chadwick Boseman
“Sometimes you need to feel the pain and sting of defeat to activate the real passion and purpose that God has predestined inside you… Sometimes you need to get knocked down before you can really figure out what your fight is and how you need to fight it.”
“When I dared to challenge the system that would relegate us to victims and stereotypes with no clear historical backgrounds and no hopes or talents. When I questioned that method of portrayal, a different path opened up for me; the path to my destiny.”
“Because I said no at certain times, it made me available for things that got me to where I am... Know who you are first, purpose unfolds more and more every day. Be open to what essence is.”
“Savor the taste of your triumphs today, don’t just swallow them all whole without digesting what is actually happening here. Look down over what you have conquered and appreciated what God has brought you through.”
Thank you Chadwick Boseman for living and telling your story the way you did. Thank you recurrent and new readers. Now over to you; what have you been up to? How have you been braving the year thus far?