How About Flipping The Script?!

Is it just me or is it the highlight of February valentine’s day as it is marketed to be even though it is also Black History Month? Is it just me or is Valentine’s Day marketing geared more towards the woman who is the recipient of gifts meanwhile it takes two to tango? Yes, women go through A LOT in society, at home, in the workplace… just about everywhere. They bear and raise children, primary homemakers, hold the family together, unify the family, in some cases sacrifice work for family and a WHOLE lot more and should be appreciated every day, not just on valentine’s day or during women’s history month or mother’s day. This may sound like ruffling feathers but it isn’t the intended purpose. These questions are based on observation in order to improve understanding not to pass judgment. Yes, it is possible to observe without judging; it's all about the mindset/perspective.

October is breast cancer awareness month. Breast cancer which typically or mostly occurs in women also occurs in men although rare; 1 in 100 according to CDC.gov. Something new I learned for the first time last month; Kegel exercises for men and it’s health benefits! Is there an International Men’s Day? How about Men’s health month? That doesn’t seem to make as much of a wave as the women’s month. In a similar way mother’s day and father’s day. This isn’t so much a comparison but an observation; that is why I said ‘and instead of ‘versus’. Any thoughts on why this is the case? Is it that men's issues aren’t as marketable as women’s issues? Or that men don’t care about being celebrated? Or they don't care about being loved out loud? Or that men aren’t as vocal in self-celebration as women are? Or… can we throw in the “equality” or “equity” word in this case...?

How many of us (both women and men) know which month is men’s health month and which day is international men’s day? I must say I didn’t know about these until 2019 when I came across a flyer on Instagram and I went to google to read about it. Between then and last year whenever I posted in celebration, acknowledgment, and appreciation of men, the comments from men were along the lines of; is there something like that? Do we have a month? We are being celebrated too? Thank you for acknowledging. 

I can’t deny that I have had some unpleasant experiences that make me want to lump ALL men in a group and stick a generalized negative label. But in retrospect, I haven’t come across ALL men and definitely won’t so I learned to refrain from using the phrase “ALL men are… xyz.” There is some good in everyone but somehow, the not-so-good experiences stick out like a sore thumb and overshadow the good experiences even if the good experiences may outnumber the not-so-good ones in some cases.

In acknowledgment of men who are open to having the difficult vulnerable conversations such as on PalmWine Central Podcast, those who create the safe space and facilitate the conversation such as the Stuck in The Middle Podcast Coach Talk. It is not easy to engage in conversations that trigger buried trauma and or evoke emotions especially for men in a society that shun men for showing emotion. Men tend to be told, sometimes at a very young age, that ‘men don’t cry, ‘be strong’, ‘be tough’, and or ‘be a man.’ How this translates as they grow up and play out in adulthood ranges in varying ways. This is in no way justifying negative behaviors in men be it irresponsibility, disrespecting women, domestic abuse, infidelity… and yes women too are perpetrators of such, though not as reported as it is by women for men. 

To be vulnerable doesn’t come easy, it isn’t a typically discussed topic in the African community like the love languages. I have asked people what their thoughts are about vulnerability without them looking it up, most responses tend to have a negative connotation to it or it is seen as a weakness. On the contrary, it requires a lot of strength/bravery to be vulnerable. Recognizing and understanding vulnerability doesn’t come easy to everyone because it could also be triggering for the listener/observer. There are professionals; counselors/therapists who can help facilitate such conversation involving self-expression and self-discovery. A good book on this is The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown.

Another thing that is considered a weakness in men is seeking help, addressing mental health challenges or even going for an annual physical. A Wall Street Journal article on Men’s health discusses how cultural and social barriers have led men to see health check-ups as a sign of weakness. June is Men’s Health Month; this might probably be better coming from a fellow brother but as someone who works in health care (rehabilitation), seeing the disparity in health outcomes in men, or their willingness to receive/accept care, here is a humble plea. How about getting an annual health physical screen/check-up and trying out counseling as the basic health management/prevention starter package! Rather than going around with undetected high cholesterol, high blood pressure, or hypertension blocking or blowing out a blood vessel or using alcohol to manage emotions or mental challenges.

Also, how about listening to conversations such as; Masculinity Under Attack, Trauma’s Faced by African Menand more from where that is from if you haven’t/aren’t’t already. How about joining the conversation, having similar conversations among your peers in addition to having sports-related discussions. Sometimes being part of such discussions or just listening to others share their stories can be healing. 

For those who can; here is to celebrating and loving out loud brothers/cousins, nephews, uncles, fathers, male role models, husband, significant other, spouse, partner, friends. Men, this is also about you celebrating yourselves and loving on yourself. 

Father’s Day is this month and so is Men’s Health Month. So here is to own the entire month! Make it count in a healthy way! Oh, by the way, International Men’s day is… 

Happy Father’s Day in advance and Happy Men’s Health Month!