February; the month commercialized more towards Valentine’s day, characterized with expressing love outwardly/publicly and or differently compared to the rest of the year… nothing wrong with that! Some say everyday is Valentine's day and not just in february nor just on the 14th. ‘Whelp’, February is also black history month; the entire month and not just a day, but it doesn't seem to be making waves as much as Valentine's day.

Is love a thing of the heart or the mind/brain, is love a feeling or choice? Would it matter to you if someone said they love you but didn’t express it in action?  Does it matter how it is expressed; words only or words and action or action only? Does 'Love You' versus 'I love you' or 'Miss you' versus 'I miss you' make a difference to you?

I love thought provoking conversations; so what are your thoughts about the picture/caption below and why? 

I haven’t written in a while, my last blog post was in May 2022. As I sat down to write this one, it reminded me of a previous blog post I wrote on a similar subject back in February 2020. Then that reminded me of some conversations I have had with people on the subject between then and now. One conversation stands out and here is how it went…  

The conversation started on the topic of values and we had a difference of opinion so I asked;

Me: What is your love language?

Him: What does that mean?

Me: How do you express/recieve love, how can someone make you feel loved?

Him: I don’t understand…

Me: Are you familiar with the love languages?

Him: No

Me: Would you like to know/learn about them and figure out what is your primary love language?

Him: Nah, that’s someone else’s idea.

Me: (...a few seconds of silence), isn’t everything someone else’s idea?

Him: (silence)

Me: Different people express/receive love differently. You could love someone the best way you know how to but if that’s not how they receive love, it may not matter to them. For example, I love fruits, but I hate bananas. If you bring me a banana, I would appreciate the thought/action, but I won’t eat it. If I've expressed my dislike for bananas and you keep bringing it then I don't feel heard. If I haven't expressed my dislike for it yet I silently get upset each time you bring it, then I'm expecting you to read my mind, and that's something negative brewing which may explode unless communicated.

Him: (silence)...I see…

  I could still sense some hesitation in their willingness to know/learn about the love languages so I ended the conversation by saying, you don’t have to agree with what the love languages are, it will however be helpful to you to just know what they are and communicate yours to others so you aren’t frustrated about not being loved in a language you best understand or not enough and you aren’t expending energy loving others in a way that they don’t primarily receive love. I just remembered a youtube video by Banky W and his wife (Discussion on love languages starts at 10:38 minute) discussing the impact of understanding, expressing, and loving each other in their love language.

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I was introduced to this book in 2016 and it is one of the best, most practical books I have read. The five love languages for those who aren’t familiar with them are; receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch. The love languages aren’t only for romantic relationships, they are helpful in platonic relationships, friendships, between siblings, between parents and children… all relationships. It can be ranked in order of preference and some people respond to/apply all 5. However, some are more important to some people than others.

Learning about our primary and secondary love languages as well as those of our significant others, friends, family helps facilitate communication. How would it facilitate communication? Take for example, I won’t respond to each love language the same way that I would respond to my primary and secondary love language and as such the person portraying it may feel unappreciated and that could create a ripple effect. A different example; I speak French and English, if someone spoke to me in either language, I would respond because I understand. If someone spoke to me in a Greek language, I won't be able to respond because I don’t understand, hence I won't be able to receive the message being communicated.

We tend to live by and express our primary love language the most. My primary love language is acts of service. I love the efforts people put into being of service to others. It doesn't have to be something grand; helping someone carry their groceries, helping someone with chores, volunteering…etc. Some of the most simple acts of service that warm my heart are; handing me a throw/blanket or me waking-up to being covered after falling asleep. Another would be a homemade meal or a simple cup of herbal tea. Also, getting a ride because driving isn't my cup of tea, someone planning things to do...etc. Adding to the list would be having deep thought provoking conversations which I see as a service of time and act of the mind/brain but could potentially fall under the love language of quality time (aka QTs… hehe) which happens to be my secondary love language. I love sharing time and space with people who intrigue me. I love the experience of time shared.

I learned from reading this book that people can only love you the best way they know how. Not understanding another person's primary way of receiving love, which is their love language can lead to misunderstanding and unnecessary conflict. For example I can't expect someone whose primary love language is receiving gifts to love me in an act of service. Me loving someone in an act of service way and them not receiving it could lead to feeling unappreciated. But if I understand their love language and they understand mine, it clears out some of the miscommunication/misunderstanding which could build-up over time and lead to conflict.

Do you know your primary and secondary love language? If not I’d suggest you find out as well as that of your partner/significant other, close family members, close friends or better still, read the book for more in-depth knowledge on how to put love into practice/action. Then thank yourself for making that effort to communicate better. Link to an online love language quiz https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/