Uncle, Stop Touching Me!
“Uncle” is an African man with a prominent title that lacks inherent self-respect. “Uncles” are African men that prey on little girls instead of protecting them; they are African men that carry out acts of domestic violence; they are African men that disrespect women without a care. “Uncle”, is an African man that is driven by toxic masculinity; a man that thinks he is entitled to every woman's body. Unfortunately, our African Aunties remain dormant and refuse to speak up about these precarious situations and in turn, they fail to put an end to these toxic behaviors. Instead, the blame is thrusted upon the victims and our African Aunties vehemently defend these African “Uncles”.
Story Story, Story time!! Imagine you come to a Cameroonian wedding and you are dressed to the nines, face beat, hair laid, heels high, dress tight, and your spirit even higher. Then, one “Uncle” tells you to come to the side and says “hello beautiful” “You have grown” “How old are you?” “Are you 21 yet” as he proceeds to rub your shoulder and waist… “Uncle, Stop Touching Me!” All you can do is smile and nod and answer the questions respectfully. His entire reason for pulling you aside is a facade; him wanting you to describe the food items on the table is all a part of an elaborate ploy to put you in an uncomfortable position; a position in which you’re completely cornered and at his mercy. Being the respectful African female child that you are, you answer all his questions while he eats you up and down with his eyes. At this point, your hands are sweaty, you are looking around trying to make eye contact with anyone...anyone that can intervene. He then proceeds to ask you for your number, what to do? What to do? Give him the wrong number. He then says “I will call you” and you smile and nod and release a sigh of relief because you are happy that that extremely uncomfortable interaction is over. All through the night as you try and enjoy the event and dance to some Charlotte Dipanda, the “Uncle” continues to glare and he winks every chance you dare to catch his gaze.
Story Story, Story time! Imagine pulling out your best country cloth, ironing it, shining your best freakum shoes, putting on your favorite sky illuminating highlighter; imagine looking bold and confident as you enter a Cameroonian country event to celebrate and push the culture forward. You’re enjoying yourself and taking in the festive spirit of the night. You’re eating and drinking when all of a sudden, you find yourself at a table sitting across an African “Uncle” and his wife. For the most part, the conversation revolves around politics and ways in which we can enrich our community in ground zero (your village in Cameroon). Then “Uncle” points out how beautiful and smart you are and instead of leaving it there, he continues to emphasize just how beautiful you are; “My dear, you’re just so beautiful, do you have a boyfriend?” “I know that there are plenty of men lined up for you” “I know your bride price must be high seeing as you are so beautiful and smart” “You know… I can come and pay your bride price” “A beautiful young lady like yourself should not be alone in this world” “Men like myself can really take care of ladies like you” “You would make me a very good wife”... how did the conversation get to this point? Why did “Uncle” think it was alright to harass you and why is his wife sitting there, meekly smiling at her husband’s inappropriate attempt to make you wife number two. How do you exit this conversation, God help! Aunty, why aren’t you intervening in this situation? From then on, things take a turn for the worst because, “Uncle” has now graduated from verbally harassing you and he has now grabbed your waist as he emphasizes his point about you being a potentially good wife number two. Aunty, do you see that your husband has his hands around my waist and he is squeezing me…? “Uncle, Stop Touching Me!” You smile and nod at whatever nonsense is coming out of “Uncles” mouth and pray to God that Aunty steps in but, she never does and the conversation continues. Just when you think things can’t get any more uncomfortable… “Uncle” decides to send you on your way with his proposition in mind of course. You thank your lucky stars and rush off as fast as you can because, after that sickening encounter, you need something to cleanse your spirit.
Story Story, Story Time! Imagine that you’re ringing in the New Year at your uncle’s house, Cameroonian style. The drinks are flowing, everyone is looking vibrantly beautiful, the food is endless and the enjoyment is bottomless. You’re extremely thankful for the opportunity to ring in the New Year with the family, everyone is expressing their gratitude at being able to see another wonderful year. It is the life of the party and your best friend is at your right hand experiencing all the love and joy with you. The DJ is cutting up and playing all the old school, new school and in-between hits and you’re there taking it all in. Unbeknownst to you, one “Uncle” is at the side eyeing you and just waiting for the opportunity to come and harass you. The DJ drops “Karolina -- Awilo Logomba” and you and your best friend are immediately on your feet because it’s “Karolina” who is immune to Awilo Logomba’s charm? Both of you are there enjoying the song and leaving it all out there on the dance floor when all of a sudden, the “Uncle” that has been eyeing you sees an opportunity to make his move and he takes it. All of a sudden you’re being cornered and this towering figure now has his hands all over your body without your permission -- ah, ah; you try to move and your best friend clocks what is going on and she counteracts the “Uncle’s” moves by pulling you away but that doesn’t stop the “Uncle” because from there, he pulls you from your friend and continues to insist that you must dance with him: “Dance with me na” “Where do you think you’re going?” “Leave your friend, she can entertain herself, you’re dancing with me now” “You’re very beautiful, why is it that I haven’t seen you before?”. Not only does this “Uncle” have his hands all over you without your consent but he is also interrogating you, “Uncle, Stop Touching Me!” You can’t raise an alarm now because, if you were to tell someone that the man is harassing you, people will say “Weren’t you guys just dancing, abeg, leave man.” Some people will even ask what you did to incite that behavior from the “Uncle”. People will purposefully overlook the bad behavior that is being carried out right in front of their faces because after all, they’re just waiting for their own opportunity to assert their power just like that “Uncle”.
Story Story, Story Time!! Imagine you are a vibrant 8 year old child enjoying life, playing games, eating all you can, watching Disney Channel and your favorite television show is “Hey Arthur”. In essence, you’re just living life and caring less about the world. Now, your parents are immigrants and both work as night shift nurses and because of this inconvenience, you and your brother are forced to head downstairs to your uncle’s apartment on the 8th floor and spend the night until your parents return. You are excited because this is one of your favorite Uncles, he buys you things and gives you money, and he is cool about anything and always says “Yes” to you. Which 8 year old doesn’t want to be showered with Candy, Ice-Cream, and toys? You enjoyed sleeping in Uncle’s apartment next to your brother on his couch that serves as a makeshift bed. One night as you get ready to fall asleep Uncle decides to sleep on the floor next to the bed-couch, you ask why and he says “To best watch over you all.” You find it strange that he would leave a whole room with a comfy bed and insist on sleeping on the floor. As the days go by, “Uncle” continues to sleep on the floor and you realize that each night “Uncle” begins to touch you. It starts with a butt rub, then it’s your boobs and then he touches you inside your pants. You’re conscious but you don’t want to move, you’re frozen and unsure of how to act. At times you will shift to move the hand away but, it will still find its way to your private parts. You are scared, you are sweating, you want to cry, you want to scream, your heart is pounding, your body shuts down and you go into protective mode “Uncle Stop Touching Me!” This goes on for two years, until you’re 10 years old, then your parent’s work schedule changes. Unfortunately, this change of schedule does not stop “Uncle” from touching you. “Uncle” continues to come up to your apartment on the twelve floor and ask “Are you parents home?” When you say no, he proceeds to sit on the other side of the living room.; after a moment, he comes up to you and says “Just a minute” and rubs on your butt/boobs as you crunch in a fetal position eyes shut close, counting down the minutes, wishing for it to go away. “Uncle Stop Touching Me!” after he is done, he hands you ten dollars and says “Here this is for you” and he is on his way. There is always some sort of compensation for his actions. This abuse happens on and off until you are 14 years old, a freshman in high school, starting a new life. At this age “Uncle” has finally stopped touching you. He leaves you with anger, hatred, guilt, shame, and the feeling of being alone and unwanted by the rest of the world. His actions made you feel isolated. The only way to combat this isolation is to bury yourself in reading. The thought of telling your African parents scares you, it scares you to the core. Would they believe you, what would they say? This is taboo, this is all your fault. Seven years of “Uncle” touching you and in turn -- 18 years of silence. Eighteen-years of silence, only one person in your life knows. Eighteen years of suppressing all that has happened to you because it's better to suppress it than to deal with the scars that “Uncle” has thrusted on you. Eighteen years of having dreams and night-mares, sometimes unable to move on because of “Uncle.” Eighteen years of him being in your life and being an instrumental part of your family, respected by others, coming to all your graduations, elementary, high school, and even college. Eighteen years of suppression. How do you heal? Have you healed? Eighteen years later. Ready to tell, hoping to finally be free.
Unfortunately, in a culture that coddles men and enables them to continue carrying out these bad behaviors, it makes it next to impossible for young girls and women to speak up and share their experiences at the hands of these African “Uncles”. We need to create an environment and safe space for young girls and women to come forth and share their experiences rather than forcing young girls/women to internalize their trauma without any hopes of finding healing.
These stories and so many other stories highlight a toxic pattern of behavior within the African culture. African girls/women are expected to submit to these “Uncles” and respect them when they do not respect our bodies and our autonomy over our bodies.
In honor of October being “Domestic Violence” month highlighting violence against women, we are letting the world know that just because we have a vagina we should NOT be treated as properties or inanimate objects. Comment below #UncleStopTouchingMe! Story, or join us on twitter by using the hash-tag #UncleStopTouchingMe! So many of our African sisters have suffered in silence and it’s time to shed some light on this issue.