Why I chose Abstinence...
This is a special subject to me that has many layers, but I will do my best to translate a quick sum up of "Why I chose Abstinence" for the sake of this discussion. To be completely transparent, abstinence chose me, not the other way around...
It was the beginning of 2018 and I was spear heading a journey of re-newed self discovery along with a physical and emotional detox. True Story and pun intended. I was on about year six (6) of being the full time and sole care giver to my First Love, my father, and fresh out of what (I thought) could be a lasting relationship. It already takes me forever to trust someone enough to let them in and open up to the idea that I could build with someone to the point of wanting to (gift them me). Because I truly overstand being with a woman like me is a gift indeed. I was in physical pain from what I later learned to be two (2) fibroids that had manifested and taken over the life of my yoni/womb/uterus, emotionally in pain from watching my father deteriorate from two massive debilitating strokes eight years prior, and all the toxic energies that surfaced from relatives (because "family" to me is more than blood shared) after he survived said strokes in 2009. I was spiritually exhausted (but never enough to give up my faith and belief in the promises that God gave me) and I was simply TIRED of all the bullshit that brothers who fail at the role of Man, tried to kick as "game" to me. And that is all it was...Game. Even the "good guys" were merely playing a role as Man, and I had yet to meet someone who was truly excelling at being them. Not perfection, but real progress in self and life. I came to see that most people in their 30's do not know who they are, let alone whose they are (The Creator) so how could he fully commit to me if he had no idea who he was? Then there was me... A Beautiful Ethiopian Queen stuck in the abiss called "the world" and I had to pretend that I belonged and gift someone this amazing blessing of me. But was I a blessing? Was I someone who deserved (his best) his commitment, his honesty, his consistency, his effort, his amazing sex, me and only me alone... Was I?
Wanting to answer these questions for myself I said to hell with the games, next time I gift myself to A MAN he would be my husband. But I have said that before, would it last this time? I am a very sensual being, I thrive off of human touch. I enjoy connecting through the physical, emotional and mental levels SIMULTANEOUSLY, and lack of any of the mentioned translated to wack sex to me. Orgasms alone don't do it for me, I don't have a problem in that department, if i’m attracted I stay drippin. Literally. Let me also keep it all the way real, no head is THE wackest, SELFISH and insensitive versions of sex. Huge red flag that "he" is not (The One). Where they do that at? Imagine me, all this woman, who is fully capable of commitment and loyalty and understanding AND submitting to one person now beg a man to please me??? Ha! RIP to the ex's dem...
The Detox...
Wanting to rid my body of the increase of hormones that led to the fibroids growing at such a rapid speed (doubled within a year) and any remnants of my ex, and just be a more healthier version of me. I needed to get out of a place of survival and THRIVE as a woman who knew what she wanted and I refused to settle for any lesser version of myself. I profoundly changed the way I ate, drank, thought and operated day to day. I removed all the toxic energy I was surrounded by (that's probably the hardest part for most to do.) I cut off all the users in my life, fake friends, fake relatives, fake foods, fake insecurities and negative thoughts compounded by fear. I wasn't this perfect beautiful being deserving of a perfect beautiful love. I had to rid myself of my own bullshit first. I refused to get into another situation that would leave me feeling drained and having less than what I started with. Love is suppose to take you higher. I AM LOVE and I was going to love myself so much that I had no room for doubt of what and who I deserved. But that kind of fierce and PURE LOVE had to come from me first! I doubled up on my self care... Having a bad day? Go home and bath for an hour... Get your hair done and wear your favorite dress and perfume for no reason at all but because you feel beautiful in it. I also studied natural methods of healing...which brought me deeper into herbs and essentials oils, vaginal steaming ( I am now a certified yoni steam practitioner- ladies link up) and I AM GRATEFUL TO GOD TO SAY I AM HEALED!!! Completely rid of my fibroids, my terrible cycles and my pain due to them.
I AM STILL ABSTINENT, now over one year and four months later... I have reconnected with (A Man) that is my friend first. One that thinks just like me and stimulates my mind in a way I have never experienced. I only feel love and loved with him. Date night is hours on the phone without any awkward moments of silence. Its like the first day we met over three years ago and the fire still burns the same. It's a long distance relationship for now (see how God will help you in your journey once you fully commit. Lord knows if he was infront of me he may have to fight me off. Joking not joking..) What's to come? I guess The brothers will have to cast me for Part Two of this series/blog for ya'll to find out...
#LoveLuladey.